One of the most common reasons why couples seek therapy with OUR practice is differences in desire for sex and intimacy. Research supports what we know from clinical experience: so-called mismatched desire or desire discrepancy is a common reasons why couples seek sex therapy (Mark, 2015).
A difference in desire is by no means a sign that something is wrong with one or both of you. Desire ebbs and flows, and for couples in long term relationships, it would be odd to always be in sync about how much, how often, or what kind of intimacy they want. What tends to hurt the relationship is not the difference itself, but the way in which couples understand it and react to it, often creating negative cycles of emotional distancing, avoidance, and resentment. The good news - this is a highly treatable issue, with a good couples/sex therapist.
Why does desire discrepancy happen in the first place?
There is hardly ever one single reason, which is what makes a thorough assessment an important part of the therapy process.
A systematic review of literature on this topic (Mark & Lasslo, 2020) outlined three overlapping layers shaping desire: the individual, the relational, and the cultural.
Individual factors: desire naturally ebbs and flows throughout one’s lifetime, and decrease in libido is common in certain life stages. Stress, hormonal changes, mental health issues, past traumas, negative body image, and self-esteem issues all have a negative impact on desire.
Relational factors: unresolved conflicts, unhealed breaches of trust, resentment about uneven distribution of responsibilities (real or perceived!), and emotional distance, are all desire killers.
Cultural factors: our culture is full of myths about what kind of intimacy we should want and how often we should want it, including the most common myth of everlasting spontaneous desire as the necessary ingredient for a satisfying and enduring sexual relationship. Men are told they should “always be on and ready”, women are socialized to think of sex as something they “give”, and all of us are exposed to a model of sexual experience based on performance and goals, rather than pleasure and connection.
When a difference becomes a problem
Desire discrepancy itself has no impact on the relationship; the issues arise when couples attach meanings to it, and negative dynamics start to take over, spilling over into all facets of their relationship. Research shows that matching levels of desire do not guarantee higher overall relationship satisfaction; what matters are overall levels of desire (Kim, et al., 2021). However, if a gap exists and is not addressed, it can cause significant harm to the relationship. In a study of more than 1,000 married couples, a larger gap between how often people wanted sex and how often they had it was linked to lower satisfaction, less stability, and more conflict (Willoughby, et al., 2014).
In my practice, I often see clients caught up in a familiar cycle:
The higher desire partner starts to feel rejected or unwanted. Over time, they stop initiating and trying altogether.
The lower desire partner starts to feel pressured, guilty, and broken. They start to avoid affection altogether, fearing that it would signal a “green light” to sex.
Each partner’s behaviors confirm the other’s fears. The vicious cycle of less touch - less closeness gets entrenched until finally they decide to start therapy.
So how do we treat desire difference in couples therapy?
We never think of either of the partners as the “identified patient” that needs to change in order for the treatment to succeed. Our position is that the couple is a sexual and erotic team (I am borrowing this phrase from my former supervisor, the sex therapy pioneer Dr. Barry McCarthy).
We start with a comprehensive assessment. After the first session, we meet individually with both partners to take detailed personal, familial, relational, and sexual histories, followed by formal assessments of different dimensions of relationship satisfaction, attachment, and mental health. We collaborate with individual therapists, physicians, pelvic floor specialist, and other members of the care team, when needed.
We reframe and externalize the problem. We conceptualize desire difference as an issue that lives between partners, not in one of them.
We explore responsive desire, sexual accelerators and breaks. We shift from “why don’t you want me?” to “what helps you be open to pleasure?”
We improve sexual communication. Research on how couples manage this issue found that strategies like talking it through or finding other ways to be close, were linked to higher sexual and relationship satisfaction (Vowels & Mark, 2020).
We rework and co-create a new sexual script. We help couples explore and expand ways in which they experience sensual and sexual touch.
We address underlying emotional cycles. Our theoretical foundation at OUR Therapy is EFT, the gold standard of couples therapy for resolving communication issues that stem from emotional reactivity and/or unaddressed attachment injuries.
When should you reach out?
If your conversations about sex usually end in hurt, silence, or arguments, if one or both of you has started avoiding affection, if there is growing resentment, rejection, or guilt spilling into other parts of your relationship, or if there is a life event such as a new baby, illness, menopause, or a loss.
Desire discrepancy is one of the most common challenges couples face, and one of the most treatable. Our clients end up finding not only a better balance, but a closer, more real connection than before.
If you'd like to talk more, please reach out to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call.