You might see therapists and other providers describe themselves as “sex positive” and wonder what that actually means. What counts as sex? Does sex positivity include only “vanilla” sex? If my therapist identifies themselves as sex-positive, does that mean they expect me to have tons of sex or that sex should be the main (or only) priority in a romantic partnership? Let’s break it down, one by one.
Sex positivity does involve:
A generally positive attitude towards people’s sexual preferences and any consensual sexual practices.
The belief that sex is a normal, healthy part of life, and not something taboo or to be ashamed of.
The idea that people should not be ashamed of – or shamed for – their sexualities.
No part of sexual preferences should be shamed. Homophobia and transphobia are not welcome in sex positivity, and nor are “prude-shaming”, “kink-shaming”, and “slut-shaming.”
The belief that everyone deserves to communicate about sex in a developmentally-appropriate manner without embarrassment.
The idea that we should all receive comprehensive, non-pathologizing sexual education from loved ones, schools, and medical/mental health providers.
This doesn’t mean that sex: doesn’t really matter, is always casual, is always kinky, is always vanilla, or that it should be a free-for-all with caution thrown to the wind. True sex positivity prioritizes consent and safety.
Somewhat paradoxically, unpacking some misconceptions about sex positivity might illuminate its tenets even more.
Sex Positivity Myths vs. Truths
Myth: “Sex positivity” means that all sex has to look the same or have the exact same goal/outcome, such as penetration, procreation, or orgasm.
Truth: Sex can look different for everyone, and sex can be pleasurable, enjoyable, connective and/or purposeful even if it does not “end” in procreation or even orgasm.
Myth: Sex positivity admits that sex can feel good, but it should be a guilty pleasure – sex is still shameful, embarrassing, and inherently indulgent.
Truth: Consensual and safe sex is normal, healthy, and hopefully/luckily often feels great.
Myth: Sex positive people think that sex, while not taboo, is something to be taken lightly. Sex is always casual or doesn’t really mean anything.
Truth: The meaning of sex you have is up to you and reflective of your internal world. Sex can bring up a lot! It is often vulnerable and involves sensitive parts of ourselves, both physically and more psychologically. That doesn’t mean it can’t or shouldn’t also be enjoyed and playful.
Myth: Sex positive people think that sex should be a free-for-all, with no regard for any risks.
Truth: Sex positivity actually highlights comprehensive education about and attention to regular STI testing, safe sex practices, birth control measures, and conversations about consent. Everyone has their own matrix of comfort regarding risk and reward!
On this note, sex positivity advocates for interdisciplinary care – talk to your therapist, primary care physician, gynecologist, urologist, pelvic floor specialist, etc., and see if they can collaborate care if needed.
Myth: People who are “sex positive” are super pushy about it – they think that everyone must be super horny and have a ton of sex, and they think we should only care about sex within their romantic relationships.
Truth: Everyone has their own preference with regard to frequency of sex and many factors (biological, circumstantial, psychological) play a role in our libidos, which can naturally ebb and flow throughout our lifetimes. All consensual expressions and desires are welcome. Asexuality also has a place in sex positivity. Everyone’s individual constellation of sexual preferences and practices is their own and is okay.
Sex positivity can also involve other practices, therapeutic modalities, or concerns. For example, many practitioners practice trauma-informed sex positivity, which does not discount the gravity of sexual trauma and its effects, but also does not posit that individuals with sexual trauma should avoid sex entirely. This work can integrate processing trauma with sex-positive practices, often helping clients to feel more empowered in reclaiming their sexuality.
TLDR: Essentially, your sexual preferences are your sexual preferences, and as long as your sexual practices are consensual and not harmful* to yourself or others, they are normal, healthy, and a profoundly natural part of existing as a human being.
*Some kinks may involve inherent, for example, physical risk, such as impact play causing bruising or soreness, but harm reductive measures can be taken and one’s comfort with risk can shift from person to person, or even over time or depending on other circumstances. Harm, in this instance, is meant within the context of a traumatic or non-consensual event or behavior. More on kink/BDSM in my next blog post!
Source and a great resource for clients and clinicians alike: Sexual Medicine Society
Image credit: Simeon Solomon, Sappho and Erinna in a Garden at Mytilene, 1864
