Relationships
Every relationship is unique. The details of how you love (and fight) are always specific to your personality, your history, and your present circumstances. However, it is safe to say that most conflicts in intimate relationships follow a small number of distinctly recognizable patterns. By observing thousands of intimate partners, researchers mapped out three of the most common - and most damaging - relationship interactions that tend to erode our intimate bonds. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, calls them “Demon Dialogues”:
Mutual blaming: couples who get stuck in this pattern resort to seeing the other one as the source of their problems. Typical phrases include “If only you didn’t/weren’t…”, “You are such a bad communicator/angry/negative”, “Whatever I do, you never change”. This circle of criticism is usually short-lived, because couples tend to move to the next (and ever more damaging) pattern after a while.
Demand-Withdraw: Also known as Criticize-Defend. Research shows that married couples who get stuck in this pattern almost certainly divorce . One partner pushes for connection, while the other shuts down (stonewalls), which further agitates the first partner, who then pushes even harder, making the other one withdraw even further away. Both partners feel insecure in the relationship, and unintentionally do the exact thing that drives the other one crazy (and away).
Withdraw-Withdraw: Often occurs when the “demanding” partner from pattern 3 gives up the pursuit. In this pattern, the communication is neither good nor bad, it simply is non-existent. The distance between the partners seems like an abyss, and they feel lonely in the relationship, wondering how they got to the place where they barely say two words to each other. When this happens, repair can be really challenging.
If you see yourself and your partner(s) as stuck in any of these patterns, the most important thing to remember is that it is the pattern, and not your partner, that is the problem. Once you recognize that you have a shared enemy in the pattern you both found yourself in (and provided that there is no abuse happening), you have a starting point from which to work on moving forward. Awareness and mindfulness of the interaction can hopefully help you see the pitfall before you fall into it.